I have struggled with my blog this week.  I wasn't sure what to write, so I told God I would wait for His guidance because that is what I want this blog to be-I wanted a place to share His voice, not my own.  And if you know me well, you know what a struggle it is for me to keep my mouth shut because all week I have fought against the urge to use this blog as a platform for my opinion about all that is wrong with our world....  and then it hit me this morning as I was writing in my journal, coffee in hand... the world is not more messed up that it ever has been; it has been messed up from the first time people decided their way was the right way. The struggle began in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve decided to do things their way (Genesis 3:6), instead of God's way and that set in motion a world of individuals who seek their own way instead of God's way.
My problem as a believer is that I want things my way, I want my voice heard, my opinion displayed in the headlines for all to see.  I often get caught up in my own little world, my own little kingdom, which always leads to frustration and disappointment. And why is that? Shouldn't I pursue what I want, totally focus on my hopes and dreams?  The world tells me I should do that, tells me that is what I should be doing, but the problem with my little kingdom is that the ruler is an emotional, opinionated, and flawed excuse for a ruler. Seeking perfection in an earthly kingdom or leader will always lead to disappointment, because where flawed people are in charge, there will be mistakes and corruption and selfishness and deceit, and....you get the idea.  People screw things up, even good people.  That's why we must listen to His voice over our own.  Let God's voice drown out the clashing, clanging noise of the world.  Hold onto Him because He is lasting and flawless, the only one in which we can find true and perfect hope! His kingdom is the one we should be pursuing, His voice the one listened to and spread to this hurting world.
This world does not need another opinion or tweet or riot or hate of anyone, it needs Jesus and His voice of love and salvation!  He created each of us and we all share one thing: the color of our souls is the color of eternity.  

Jesus commanded us to love (John 15:12).  He didn't suggest it or tell us it would be a good idea, He commanded it and He did this because He knew it would not come naturally or be easy or safe.  The easy stuff comes naturally and if you have ever been my passenger while I am driving, you know this to be true! I maintain regularly that Jesus gave this command to love before cars.....so....
I scream and curse and say I hate other drivers all the time and it's so easy to do it. The hard part is trying not to, the hard part is responding with love and patience and understanding.  It seems ever increasingly, that our world is choosing hate and fear over love and understanding. Our first instinct is to care for ourselves, jump to conclusions, mistrust what we don't understand, kill what we do not love, suppress what we do not agree with and seek our own comfort above all else.  
I had a conversation with my friend Karolyn just two days ago, and through tears she asked, "Why is the world so full of hate?"  And I gave her my nice, safe response that places blame justly, on the Devil..."Satan is alive and well in this world and you can tell."  This is true, and the Bible tells me he is a lion who is seeking prey (I Peter 5:8), but there is more to the story than that.  God has left believers here as lights to shine in the darkness of the world, but too many times I point my finger at the enemy instead of at myself.  Why am I not out loving the world?  We are being told everyday to stay home, stay safe, but Jesus didn't tell His disciples to stay at home and stay safe, He told them to go out and to take nothing with them (Luke 10:3-4) (and this was before antibiotics and vaccines and clean water).  Now, I know the world is a dangerous place and we should be cautious in it, but last time I checked, we are all in mortal bodies that are decaying and Jesus does not care if we are comfortable, He wants us working and continuing the mission He set forth!  
Love and hate are not feelings that are thrust upon us, they are choices we make everyday. Hate and mistrust are natural and easy but love and understanding require me to learn about others, seek truth and be vulnerable to others.  You do not have to look far to see a need for love in this world, just turn on the news and you will see that the world is desperately crying out for anything that makes sense.  It is clawing at the darkness, begging for some light, an answer to all that is misunderstood and the answer is Jesus!  He chose to die for us so that we could live a perfect and beautiful eternity with Him.  Dying on a cross for us was not a safe choice, but it was the ultimate display of love and Jesus is the only thing that will quell the darkness! 

As I look to Memorial Day, this word is on my mind, this idea, Freedom.  
What comes to mind when you see this word, or hear it?  Personally, I picture Mel Gibson in Braveheart screaming at the top of his lungs with all the fiery passion of a Scottish warrior about to pay the ultimate price for this beautiful and expensive word, but that's just me.  Maybe I think of that because I love Scotland or maybe just because in that moment there is such pained belief and untethered passion that I cannot help but feel it as well and yearn for it at any cost.  And costly it is.....The idea of freedom is so beautiful; free to choose and go and do as you please, but it is not a cheap idea or one any of us should take for granted, because where it resides, death and sacrifice have preceded it and bled for it.  You see, this freedom, requires a fight and it is not gentle or for the faint-hearted, but for a hero.  Many of us have been blessed to know a hero or two in our own lives and they are wonderful, but, there is an ultimate Hero that all can know, Jesus.  He died a horrible death on a Roman cross so that I could be free to love and to live with abandon and it is Him I choose to worship.  Jesus is the only perfect hero and it is within Him that all freedom truly exists, but I am so thankful that He places imperfect and willing heroes within our midst as well.  It isn't easy to remember that He is the real hero of my life because I am a hopeless romantic, when it comes to the idea of a hero! I am a sucker for any book, movie or tv show portraying a hunky guy who somehow manages to be a mighty warrior and a kind, gentle lover of an equally heroic and beautiful maiden....and then I think, yuck, where's my drink? and my reality check? 
The reality is that heroes are just men who are willing to take risk for others and they are not perfect, but they are amazing and they deserve our respect and admiration and support for all that they do with a willingness to serve.  And so, today as I look to Memorial Day, I say to Jesus first, thank you for giving me your life and your blood, your Holy Spirit to stay with me and guide me and then to all the service men and women out there who continue to serve and to those who have given some or all of themselves so that I may write this, thank you!   Although those words seem to fall forever short of the emotion behind them, your sacrifice does not go unnoticed and I pray we will never forget!  You are remembered, you are cherished and you are loved!

As a math teacher, I can assure you that answering this question is somewhat daunting.  Many students don't get it, many of us don't get it.....something goes on forever?  What is forever?  We are finite and everything in our world is finite, so how can we understand an infinite Creator?  The good news is that we don't have to understand Him to follow Him.  We can trust God and His infinity just like we trust gravity.  His infinity is the reason we can trust Him and the reason He can give our eternal souls eternal salvation!  I think that's why He gave us math and circles and pi, so we could glimpse infinity even if we can't understand it fully.  Forgive my math lesson, but when you think about a circle and the fact that the constant value, pi is the ratio of every circle's circumference and its diameter no matter what size the circle is, that's incredible.....that's an infinite Creator.  
Okay, no more math....my blog isn't supposed to make anyone want to drink!  I hope no one is too afraid, I will put the math away....
I got to thinking about this idea today because I read something in my journal from a little over a year ago....."Lord, I feel so often that you are so big and far away, too distant for a personal, intimate relationship with me.  Help me to know you more and see you as you really are.  Let me trust in your truth over my feelings and emotions, which often overwhelm me.  Let me be overwhelmed by You Lord and who you are!"  When I read those words, an idea came to me....He illustrates to us every day how we can have intimacy with Him and how we can experience His love. He reminded me that we are all here, in this time, His perfect timing, to love one another and to serve one another and to be here for one another.  We are left here to not only share Christ with a dying world, but to be "circles" to other believers.  You have left all our little infinite souls to love and be loved, to trust in the One who created us rather than in our own finite feelings that ebb and flow as the tide.  But You, Lord, you are are constant and continuing, just like pi.  Let me navigate my feelings and changing emotions with you as my guide and nothing else.  Your infinite power, not my finite understanding!

How many times a day do we say these words?  I wish and I want...I have a feeling we have all been saying them a lot lately. "I wish this virus stuff had never started, I want everything to go back to normal"..... "I wish I could go back to work and I wish I could stroll through Target without a mask"..... Well, maybe we aren't all saying we want to go back to work, but let's face it, I have been saying things like that for the whole of my life....."I want prettier hair.....I wish my husband looked like that.....I wish Jesus would come back.....I wish there wasn't cancer..... I want that car.....I want that house.....I wish  my thighs were smaller (and other parts were bigger).....I want a job like that person.....I wish one of my marriages had worked out.....I wish I had a pony".....And then we look up and we say "Lord, why aren't you fixing this, why aren't you healing,  where's my freakin' pony?"
How easy it is to fall into the trap of wanting.  I am not saying it is wrong to want, we want good things all the time.  It isn't wrong to want a family and a nice house and economic security and a safe place to sleep and a good job you love and a sickness healed.  Generally, the THINGS we want are not bad, but does our attitude and treatment of ourselves and others depend on us getting those things?  That's when we have a problem, when the things we WANT become the things we focus on above anything else.  Do we get mad at God when things just don't work out the way we WANT?  I know I do!  I scream and curse and yell and ask "why God, why"?  And softly, when the screams become broken sobs, the curses prayers, and the yelling ceases, I hear my heart cry out that it may not be His plan for my life right now.  This is why the world does not embrace Him, because to choose a life with Him and to serve Him means to submit to Him and accept His authority over our lives even when we don't understand (which is me about 80% of the time).  See, everything around us in the world tells us it's okay to focus on what we WANT and to do whatever it takes to get it, because "I'll be happy when..." But lasting joy comes only from above!  Remember beloved....A life's journey with God is not the easy path, but it is a destination beyond description.
God does not withhold things from us because He is mean and wants us to be sad and not have things, He just knows that not all things accomplish what He wants accomplished.  He alone can see the beginning of all things, the presence of all things and the finished work of art yet to be produced.   He knows that lasting joy and fulfillment can't be found in Things, only in serving Him and living the life He has chosen for us.  I know He has plans for each of us because if He didn't we wouldn't be here and although I yell at Him quite often about the state of things within my heart, my world, or the world at large, I know He is good, though things in this world are very often not good.  So in this season of definitely not "what we want", let us choose to find the good in what we can, remember that He is always that good in everything and that there is purpose in all the seasons we travel.  Of course, I am never going to stop Wanting smaller thighs....Come to think of it, I should probably want a smaller mouth too.....hmmmmm.
If you are blessed enough to be a mother, Happy Mother's Day!  I am a little prejudice, but I have the best mom ever and I am so thankful for her!

I don't know about any of you, but I have found myself lately dealing with a lot of Ups and Downs in "project quarantine" (am I the only one who feels like a rat trying to struggle through the maze while scientists observe and record my behavior?).  Of course we all have to remember, in this crazy life, ups and downs are what it's all about and so we need something to cling to, something to hold us together when we feel like we won't make it.  In those times that are dark and humbling moments, when we are wandering in the valley, this is where we find Jesus.  I know He is everywhere, but we get to know Him when things are dark and He is our only light.  He will not leave His own and He will come to those who call upon Him.  Call to Him, cling to Him, for He is the only answer to our fear, our mortality, our loneliness, our sickness and the simplest tears shed in moments of frustration and bitterness.  Let us learn this lesson of life, that the world offers us nothing lasting; for if one day you find yourself healthy, comfortable and content, know that in an instant all can be taken from you , all comfort and security in this present mortal body is as fleeting as the wind, but there is a hope in it all, an eternal flame of promise and healing.  There is a Savior who, if you would seek Him and allow Him in, accept His free gift of grace, He will re-define your eternal tomorrow.  Though today bleeds dry all that you may have wanted, it is but a fraction of a thing compared with the promise of an eternal and beautiful home with a creator who defines truly what it is to love. So embrace a new eternity, a future without fear or tears, or sickness or uncertainty and fall into the arms of Christ Jesus!
He is so amazing and I really do love Him more as I get to know Him!  I am so thankful that He is unfathomable and eternity with Him will erase all the disappointment we sometimes face in this life.  Hold on to this Hope of His and remember......a perfect eternity awaits where not even stretch marks will be remembered!!!

So, here we go!  I have wanted to begin this for about 3 years, so procrastination is definitely one of my gifts......What time like the present, with everyone scared to death and stuck inside, now forced to read a blog by an amateur writer who writes about Jesus, but has no Bible degree or formal training.....What could possibly go wrong?
To start, let me say that no matter who reads this I hope it brings encouragement if you need it, laughter if you need that, and maybe tears, if you need your face cleaned off!
One of the burdens of my heart has always been this idea that "church" people are supposed to be good and read their Bibles every day and and be the light of Jesus to the world and when I realized I didn't feel like I was good and I didn't read my Bible every day and was anything but a light, I just gave up and decided God couldn't use me....  Ah, but how cruel AND kind is age.  It was only after I began reading my Bible and becoming familiar with Jesus that I finally got it....Nobody is good, they are just good actors and many people act like they read their Bible, but they don't and I can only be light to the world if I allow it to burn in me.  Jesus wants my heart and all my broken-ness so that He gets the glory!  It is HIS salvation to us that He wants to accomplish.
I will not promise this blog of mine will always be politically correct or scholarly, but I will write from the heart and I will be real with you, my readers!  I love you and wish you Hope on this journey!